Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Fatty Matty Two by Four Couldn't Get Through The Bathroom Door...

The Setting: Brazil

My Weight: I won’t say but I’ll give you a range It’s somewhere between 112-438

The Situation: Hot and Sweaty

As you know I have a really good friend named Food.  Food and I got a little too close during orthodontic school.  Some students will go partying after a rough week, or perhaps after a major test.  Being LDS (Mormon to those unfamiliar with the term) that is not something I could or wanted to do.  My reward was food.  An “A” on a test = a dozen donuts.  A rough week = 5 lemon pie Tasty Kakes.  Some classmates reached for a beer, I reached for a Diet Coke.  

When I was in undergrad school I could eat like this, no problem! But as I aged it quickly caught up with me.  Every time Jeena had a baby I would gain 10 pounds.  I kept telling myself I’d deal with the weight gain after school was finished.  Then life got really busy after school.  We had our third son, were wrestling on where to set up a practice, get licensed in said state, find a house and get loans for all of this.  It was no time to lose weight.  And really with all that was going on, can you blame me for eating my feelings?  

One spring a buddy and I went to Brazil to visit some friends.  That’s when I realized how overweight I had really become.  When I was doing my mission in Brazil 18 years ago I was 40 pounds lighter and no one who remembered me was saying, “dude you look good!” I was sweating like I had some sort of amazon jungle parasite.  Profusely sweating non-stop for days combined with my dislike of water was really starting to take its toll on me.  Dehydration started to set in.  Other than needing an IV to combat my fluid loss the trip was great.  The people were great, the food was awesome, and the ice cream was, well, the best thing ever.  Just look how happy I was:

When I got back I looked at the pictures I realized things had to change so I started my expensive hobby of mountain biking. I also got busy in my offices and it’s really difficult to find the time to eat like I used to in between patients.  It also makes it hard for me to tell a kid their brushing sucks when I have remnants of a Butterfinger in my teeth.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Dog Days of Summer

So as you may know I have two dogs, Saber, a yellow lab and Yeti a Vizsla.  I love my dogs.  They’re not only awesome companions for the kids and me, but also great hunting dogs.  As you can imagine they are loving the new farm.  They have a ton of room to run and explore but sometimes forget about the invisible electric fence.

Saber is the best dog.  I spent hours and hours training him as a puppy.  He listens perfectly, behaves perfectly, hunts perfectly, and has the best temperate.  Yeti on the other hand is full of piss and vinegar.  My wife got him for me as an anniversary present shortly after we adopted Olivia. Within 10 weeks we 1) had a baby 2) got a puppy 3) sold our house 4) moved and I had to go out of town twice during the move. So Yeti didn’t get as much training as I had hoped.  I expected his brother Saber step up and take over, but it’s unfair to ask that of him because he is, after all, a dog.

Yeti will jump on you, lick you, and just be wild.  He’s a really good puppy, just hyper as all get out. When I get the chance I try to take them with me on errands I do.  Recently I took them on a day that wasn’t too hot.  I got them dog bagels at Einstein’s for being so good.  They loved it.  I had to make a few more stops and apparently the bagel made Yeti “have to go.”  Saber is trained to hold it in the truck; I thought Yeti, was too.  Wrong! Good thing I keep latex gloves in my truck or they would have been covered in it by the time we got home.  I don’t think Best Buy appreciated my present in their outside trash.  I think more training is in order.

Monday, July 16, 2012

I've Died and Gone to Heaven

Everyone has vices; I can proudly say that I don’t have many.  In fact I only have one: food.  Ok, I guess it’s a lot of vices if you really want to get technical, I love food but my favorite is Tasty Kakes.  While living in Philadelphia and going to Orthodontic/Periodontic School I discovered Tasty Kakes, an East Coast delight.  I only like the kakes distributed by Wawa with lemon pie filling.  My idea of a perfect desert is a Tasty Kake accompanied by a tall glass of Diet Coke. 

This has become a point of contention with the girls at work.  They are always on my case because of my less than stellar eating habits.  Drink water Dr. Jolley.  Spark is terrible for you.  Enough with the diet coke.  A snack?  Didn’t you just have lunch?  Once they even caught me singing “Fat” by Weird Al with a mouth full of Tasty Kakes.  It’s a never ending battle, but I know they are coming from a place of love. Or maybe they want to ensure their job will still be there in 10 years. Bottom line they don’t want me to croak at age 40 of a heart attack.

Since I live in Colorado getting a hold of a Tasty Kake is rare treat.  One of my assistants has family in West Virginia so when she goes back to visit she brings me some.  I usually eat them in a few days.  One day, like a gift from above, I found a few stuffed in the back of the break room.  I was elated.  The girls all tried to reason with me since they were expired.  Not wanting to them to judge me I simply took them home to eat in privacy.  I was on a health kick that week so I decided that if I ate one with a protein shake it would cancel out the calories.  Perfect plan!  Or so I thought.

The next day I had to work an hour away in Montrose.  About five minute outside of town I had that horrible familiar feeling gurgling in my lower intestines.  Shizma.  An hour away from home is not where you want to find out your “perfect plan” is extremely flawed. Especially when you have to share a bathroom with your patients.  Having to look a patient or their parent in they eye and tell them “do NOT go in there” as you are exiting the lavatory is more than embarrassing.  Having your staff sitting at the front desk mere feet from the bathroom texting you to see if you’re all right is mortifying.  But that all happened, all morning. 

After being sick all day I was relieved to be home.  Then I was faced with a decision: to eat or not to eat my last Tasty Kake.   Guess which one I chose.  

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Science Fair circa 1980's

It’s that moment every child and parent dreads, Science Fair time.  I shouldn’t say dread, that’s a strong word.  It can be a lot of fun.  But in my experience it was something most kids forgot to mention to their parents until the night before it was due which left them scrambling to come up with something on the fly.  Here’s my story from 10 year-old Tyler:

My father is a sheep farmer and dentist.  So when I had just a few hours to put something together I decided to use my dad as the expert. No need to look at an encyclopedia, I had the expert in my house.  Easy Peasy!  My choices were sheep or teeth.  After irrigating that afternoon I was bored with sheep and decided to do a project on teeth.  Specifically “sealants” as it was a newer technology and I had just had them done myself so I deemed an awesome topic. 

I got out my poster board, markers, and my Star Wars sweatshirt and got to work.  I had to come up with some sweet phrases to really catch the judges’ attention. What’s a headline that pretty much sums up my entire project, I thought to myself. “Sealants are the new way to fight tooth decay.”  BAM.  And it rhymes, what more could they want?    

Ok, now the first point let me just refer to the pamphlet that my dad brought home for me and copy it verbatim. “Decay attacks pits and fissures.”  They spelled “fishers” wrong but whatever.  Almost Done!  This is going to be awesome!

Next point, um, let me see that pamphlet again…”Sealants to the rescue.”  NEXT!

Man, I’m getting sweaty, I better take off my sweatshirt…that’s it!  I’m a genius!  “Sealants are no-sweat!”  And, I’m a kid so maybe I’ll squeeze that “Sealants are for kids” on the bottom and yes, yes I’m done.  It is a masterpiece.  Now if I can just con my dad into drawing some teeth for me I’ll be all set. 

I can’t remember if I won or lost that year, but all I know is teeth are still cooler than sheep, I look awesome in the picture and I wish I still had that sweatshirt. 

Friday, July 6, 2012

Carson The Egg Collector

I’ve mentioned my new farm in a previous post so get ready to read about our shenanigans.  I bought the farm because I wanted my boys to live on a farm like I did, and walk away with all the knowledge that comes with farming.  Prior to the farm they knew how to tie their own shoes and make microwave popcorn, period.  I have to admit, it’s been a ton of work but they are picking it up really fast.  Since they were doing so well I decided to get chickens, 15 to be exact. I bribed them with the prospect of fresh eggs for breakfast and they were on board. We got everything ready for their arrival and my boys started to get excited at the novelty of their new chores and to collect eggs.  Carson was a little too excited.  We got the chickens settled and went in the house to wash up.  Then I realized I was short one kid.  Carson.  That kid is like a clumsy ninja.  I went back to where I misplaced him and found him patiently siting in the corner of the coop.  He looked like he was in time-out.

“Hey buddy, what’s up?”
“Oh, “ big sigh, “Nothing.”
“Ok, well do you want to come in and wash up?”
“I will in a little bit, I’m kind of busy.”
“YES DAD, I’m waiting for the eggs.”

If I hadn’t been hosting a welcome party for Dr. Pitcher he would have stayed out there all night.  During the party I had one of my assistants ask him about the chickens.  With pride in his voice he declared there weren’t any yet but he’d go check right now.  He scurried off into the garage and came out on his razor going about 30 miles an hour headed straight for the pool.  He missed plunging into the pool by inches and off he went to the chickens.  He disappeared for about half an hour.  He came back with his tail between his legs because there weren’t any yet.  But the next day when he finally found some eggs it was better than Easter.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Baptism by Butter Knife on my 29’er

Biking.  I love biking.  Specifically mountain biking, not road biking.  I can’t pull off the Spandex look.  Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to bike since I bought a farm this May.  But more on the money pit, a.k.a The Farm later.  On Saturday I went on the “Butter Knife Trail” with my good friends Jess and Greg.  Two miles into the trek Greg broke his bike and had to go back.  I felt bad for Greg and was tempted to leave with him; honestly I wasn’t feeling all that great. Maybe it was the cheese quesadilla’s that I’ve been eating at 10 o’clock every night for the last six months. I’ve ridden this trail numerous times but my gap in training was really affecting me.  It was blistering 98 degrees, not a trace of wind, and deodorant that was begging for a second application.  14 miles in I started to cramp. Bad.  I had to rest.  My muscles felt like jelly, my breathing was sporadic and for a moment I thought I might be having a heart attack.  I hopped back on my bike and managed exactly 100 feet before the heart palpations started again.  After pounding on my chest a few times and contemplating my diet over the last few months, I started to feel better and was convinced I could handle this. I mustered up all my strength to finish the last four miles, which were at a steep incline.  I managed another 100 feet and had to sit down, it was at an angle that most people would call “laying down.”  Defeated.  The Butter Knife had gotten the better of me.  Jess looked for vital signs and found that I was mostly alive and it was time to go. Not to be a man of pride, I resigned to my loss.  Jess, being the handsome, burley, tough man he is, put me on his back and dragged our bikes behind him…At least that’s what he tells people.